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The Floopy Chronicles Part 2



More Glorious, World-And-Humanity-Ending (Mis)Adventures of Floopy

Floopy has no plans. For anything at all, really. He mumbles vague obscenities at minorities and promises to bring about better times, with no history of being able to do that, ever. And people lap it up, saying “He says what’s on his mind; I like that! He has no policy ideas, or policy or government experience, but he says what I’d love to, so he has my vote”. Excuse me while I vomit.

Let’s dissect ‘Monsieur’ Floopy, shall we?

He says he’s rich. He’s approximately 7.9 billion dollars poorer than he says he is. He says he’s capable of running a nation because he ran a business successfully. That, however, depends on if you define ‘successfully’ as having failed most of his ventures.

Floopy Airlines? He bought a low-cost airline flying a busy route, revamped the planes, fitted them with gold, turned them into luxury shuttles, and crashed the business; Failed. Floopy vodka? Failed. Floopy steak? Failed. Floopy casinos? Failed. More Floopy casinos? Failed. Ridiculously enough, even more Floopy casinos? Failed. A Floopy board game? Failed. Floopy Mortgage? F-A-I-L-E-D. Floopy Magazine? I mean, really, come on; Failed. Floopy University? Failed so badly that he’s going on trial for fraud. That’s right: America just elected a con man to the office of ‘most powerful man on earth’. Floopy’s marriage? Failed. Floopy’s second marriage? Failed.

Judging from his impressive (slow clap here) track record, we can only assume that Republicans want to add ‘Floopy: The Presidency’ to the list.

Bizarrely enough, even though he has no political experience at all (barring, of course, his interaction with world leaders like Miss Ukraine, Miss Spain, etc., and his marital sessions with different East European women) and has failed to prove his worth as a businessman, the one job title he can claim credit for, he is still respected as a capable leader.

Fun fact #1: he lost $915,729,293 in one year-1995. At today’s exchange, and not factoring inflation for the 20 years, from 1995-2015, that’s Rs. 6188,03,61,188.01, or 6,188.03 crore rupees. And he then used that loss to not pay tax to his government for the next 18 years, using a tax manoeuvre so shady that the US Government eventually outlawed it. He claimed that his abuse of the tax system was a mark of his brilliant negotiating and manipulative skills, and that it was Hillary Clinton’s fault for not fixing the tax system to prevent him from being able to ‘cheat it’. Let that sink in. This is a man claiming to be business-savvy, saying that he cheated because he could. They just gave him nuclear power. That he can use. Now let that sink in.

To recap: A pathological liar, narcissistic egotistical moron, and all-around xenophobic, inexperienced weed.

Fun Fact #2: He. Won. Because. Of. An. Archaic. System. Of. Elections. Floopy received less overall votes than Ms Clinton did. He won because of America’s system of direct-indirect presidential elections, known as the electoral college. The Democratic Party’s nominee, Hillary Clinton, won more votes than Floopy did overall, but still lost the election. So not only is he incompetent, he’s also in office because of an outdated system. Fantastic.

Fun Fact #3: We’re all kind of doomed if he sticks to his policy on global warming.

Primarily because he doesn’t believe in it.

He’s said that global warming is the work of the Chinese, a hoax propagated to reduce US business competency. And he probably believes it, too. Which is absolutely disastrous, because America is the second-largest polluter in the world, and if it suddenly decides that it’s doing nothing wrong, and Floopy revokes all the climate change prevention work done by Obama, the world will start speeding down the path to global extinction of small animals and plants. This is accelerated by the fact that he wants to destroy the EPA [Environmental Protection Agency] and has appointed Myron Ebell, a man known for being anti-climate change, to head his transition team for the US’s environment protection efforts.

If the US pulls out of the Paris Agreement on Climate Change, it will have to withdraw from the United Nations Council that oversees it, because the agreement has already been entered into effect, and will take 4 years [effectively, the duration of Floopy’s presidency] to withdraw from otherwise. The loss of the United States to UN climate change efforts will throw the world back by a huge amount, and with Floopy’s desire to reopen coal plants [which shut because they were no longer cost-competent, and are now 4 times more expensive than wind to run] which will add millions of tons of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases than are already being released. Adding to the mess is the issue that scientists depend heavily on government money to do research, and with a Floopy administration capable of shutting down all funds for climate research, a glut in preventive measures and clean energy solutions research will spell disaster for the green movement.

We should be scared. Very scared.

Oh, and he’s also trying to get universities to charge less from US students, which means they’ll start charging more from international ones. Bloody brilliant. There goes my grant for studying solar-cell efficiency improvements in college.

If my other article wasn’t clear enough on my anger, just read the nutcase’s Twitter feed, or LITERALLY ANY ARTICLE covering him, from a newspaper that is not right-wing. You’ll feel the anger too.

PS: There are dozens of things I have omitted because this article is already far longer than I was supposed to write, but a quick half hour reading up on his policies and plans will go a long way. Just google it, there are scores of articles with good content available freely on the web.

PPS: He recently shot at the New York Times, for reporting the news. Like a newspaper is supposed to. Blech. He’s now threatening the freedom of the press in his home country, and if the champion of global democracy decides to kill free press, and effectively end free speech, what do you think, will happen to the world?

 -Anonymous

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