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The Floopy Chronicles: Part 1



The Glorious, World-And-Humanity-Ending (Mis)Adventures of Floopy

I threw a bottle. At a friend. I regret it but that action, of lifting a piece of hollow plastic, the closest thing in my reach, and hurling it at the source of the information that the Republicans had won the White House, was my instinctive reaction to the news. The knowledge that Donald J. Trump (who shall henceforth be referred to as ‘Floopy’) had been elected President of the United States of America is the scariest thing in my mental databank of information. (Note: I’ve seen ISIS beheadings. This is worse. Much worse.) Everyone simply says that Floopy getting elected is bad for immigrants and non-whites. No one’s really seen the worst part of this disgusting, filthy, inhuman, monstrous, devilish, demonic, ghastly, animalistic, bizarre, unearthly calamity that has been nicknamed the US Presidential Election of 2016. So let’s get into a really in-depth character sketch.

Who is Floopy? A real-estate mogul and ‘successful’ businessman. He claims a net worth of over 10 billion dollars. In reality, it’s around 20% of that. He claims to be a self-made man after taking a million dollar loan from daddy dearest. He’s known for being a reality TV host. He’s known for being larger-than-life. He is a scumbag. In bullet form, here are a few things that Floopy believes: • He’s the best. • Everyone should share the aforementioned belief. • He’s not racist. • He’s not sexist. • He’s not a pig. • He’s not an [insert cuss words that cannot appear in a school article] excuse for a human being]. • He’s smart. • He’s your ideal leader. • He knows what he’s doing.

In bullet form, here’s how much of that is true: • None of it.

Floopy ran a campaign that was largely populist. He was seeking to represent the interests of ordinary people. In many ways, it was populist. He claimed to represent Americans who were suppressed by others. He said that he would ‘make America great again’. To a massively disillusioned and backward voter base, his words rang true. His target audience comprised mainly of blue-collar white Christian males from areas of economic stagnation. His targets comprised everyone who didn’t fit the above description. For the large segment of the American population who believe that immigrants, foreign powers, rich people and weak leaders are the reason that America’s growth has stagnated, his speeches struck a chord. These are the people who believe that guns are a necessity of life; that LGBTQ individuals are worthy of being stoned (preferably, to death); that liberals, progressives, and other like-minded individuals, are breaking the desires of their deity; that women should be seen, not heard, not given respect, be treated as servants for men and not care about anything but the pleasure of their male counterparts. If this disgusts you: good. If it doesn’t… here’s another group who preached the same values and are currently massively successful in their country: The Taliban.

-Anonymous

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